The cushioned couch, a mother’s resting base,
A giver of care, her memories keep warming,
Yet still remains that empty space.
Too soon, without guilt, cancer did debase,
this angel, with children and husband still adoring,
No words to say in this place.
Two young lovers make of vow of embrace
A passion for infinity, they ignore parental warning,
and try to live without that empty space
Alas, both were too different, traits they couldn’t erase,
Hope lost, all alone now, What was the point of all the yearning?
No words to say in this place.
“There’s someone else” he touches base.
her heart pains from the betrayal, but dreaming,
still longs to fill that empty space.
Reason can’t excuse this disgrace.
No way to rationalize such harming.
No words to say in this place,
Yet still remains that empty space.
The incredible rhythm of this poem is something I hope to emulate in the future! The language throughout is so poetic and eloquent. I think the two repeating lines in the villanelle are very strong and effective; they definitely help the deep emotions develop even further. One thing I would change are the small letters in the last stanza. I don't really understand the meaning within the small letters that you are trying to get across. Other than that, such a moving poem! - Abigail Adler
ReplyDeleteThe author does a great job sticking to the specifications of the villanelle. The story that she tells is clear. The poem could be more effective if abstractions were showed rather than told e.g. "Betrayal" can be shown via actions, "hope lost, all alone now" could be doing things they used to to together individually, "heart pains of betrayal" could be shown with facial expressions or body language.
ReplyDeleteNice work in this draft toward your villanelle. This is fairly close to form, but one things stands out immediately. You are suppposed to use both of your refrain lines in the first stanza. Line one is supposed to be refrain one, and line three is supposed to be refrain three. This is true here for line three, but line one is nothing like the refrain line, so this needs to be changed.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure exactly how to best do this. Maybe revising line one would be easier, so you can keep the refrain, but then you will also have to revise line three, since they won't flow together unless you do this.
I found this line to be emotionally very powerful: "What was the point of all the yearning?" That is a crushing line, so sad, devastating really. I love it. Maybe cut some of what comes before it, however, since the line is so long compared to the others.
This line is weaker and could use work: "No way to rationalize such harming."
Still, I liked reading this. Nice job, and I look forward to your revision.
Hi! I like how this poem explores a few different story lines all with the same theme of having a space that can't be filled. One thing that could be improved is some of the lines that end a little awkwardly, like "cancer did debase." The end of the line with the words "he touches base" doesn't really seem to fit in the context of such an intense betrayal, so you might want to consider revising that. Nice poem!!
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