It was a dark muscular truck
monster wheels like biceps of steel.
On that night, the big hulk
On that night, the big hulk
rolled down my driveway, size surreal.
A young girl hopped out from the brute,
"Rebecca, look! It's my new car!"
This must be a joke, what a hoot!
still, her eyes creased, smiling bright.
Her father traded cars, this just another pursuer.
Ignoring my shock, she squealed,
"isn't he just beautiful?"
"isn't he just beautiful?"
she climbed up the step, love already sealed.
Finally, I climbed in and reached my elbows out
to try to the fit the black leather throne
We were out of place, no doubt,
like two chihuahuas in a lions den.
"Let's go!" my friend yelled, as she revved downtown
she spun the volume up to our favorite recent beat.
Singing the usual words, my shyness died down
I settled deeper into the king-size seat.
There was a moment of simple freedom,
when we belted the catchy chorus in that truck,
the lights of buildings and cars flying past us,
creating linear streams of light.
This moment was of complete content,
as the air freshener rocked back and forth,
letting the wind pull our hair back
and the powerful stereo seduce us.
The fling didn't last, but that moment
of giddiness and invincibility lingers.
At first this poem confused me, because the first stanza refers to a male character, but it turns out to be a female best friend. I still don't quite get that discrepancy. But as the poem proceeds, I get into it, and it has some great moments.
ReplyDeleteThese lines are absolutely fabulous--some of the best writing any one has submitted to the class so far: "We were out of place, / like two chihuahuas in a lions den." More like this, please! This is hilarious, vivid, and wonderful.
The second to last stanza and the stanza before that are also effective, mainly because they too use imagery to effectively convey emotion. Good job in these places.
The challenge now is to write more consistently in a poetic idiom. Try to avoid so many flat patches and pack every line (or at least more of them) with poetic detail, like the ones just cited. Aim higher with your lines. I sense you have the talent to pull it off. Good start to the class.
Hi Rebecca!
ReplyDeleteI liked where you were going with the male and female descriptions of the car and its owner, trying to show displacement. (also, the pink sandals). This theme is then later restated with the Chihuahua and lion den analogy. I also like that mid-poem, the characters become more comfortable with their unique setting: "Singing and nodding my head to the familiar words/I settled more comfortably into the king-size seat." The "familiar words" show her getting used to her setting. She also used "king-size seat" instead of "throne," which shows her new perspective of the car.
An example of a line that can be finessed with more descriptive imagery is: "There stood my insane best friend." Spice things up a little more like other parts of the poem!
:)
Rebecca, I really enjoyed your first serious poetic effort, Looking forward to more poems.
ReplyDeleteHi! I really liked the humor and sense of fun in this poem, it was very enjoyable to read! I also thought that the line about the air freshener was a really effective image. Some very technical things that I think you could change around:
ReplyDeleteI got a little confused with the "male character" line, until I realized that the speaker is referring to the car. Using a different word besides "character" might clear this up a bit.
The word "light" is repeated with "lights of buildings" and "linear streams of light." Changing one of these words to something else might make an already fantastic image even sharper.
My favorite stanza was the sixth--it captured the excitement of the speaker and the setting of the poem. I liked the stereo's seduction and the pink wedges. I wonder if the last stanza could be stronger--another image perhaps.
ReplyDeleteHi!!! I think you are an awesome writer who can really set the scene while also including your own aspects. I love how you took the simple story of seeing your friends new truck and driving around in it to include how free you feel while driving around in it and the deeper meanings it could evoke. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteHey! I really enjoyed the poem's story-telling imagery! I could seriously place myself in the author's position in the car, really enjoying the ride. The one thing I think might need a little editing is the beginning. The imagery in the end really got me emotionally connected with the poem, while in the beginning I felt a little unattached (like an outsider looking in.) Otherwise, great!
ReplyDeleteI really love how you the depicted the speaker's relationship with the truck progressing throughout the poem. At first, the speaker views the truck as a "monster", "dark", "muscular", "male", and "massive." Her intimidation of the truck becomes clear as she describes her and her best friend as "two chihuahuas in a lion's den." But when a familiar song comes on, the speaker settles more comfortably in said "lion's den." I also liked the contrast between the macho-like car and the pink wedge sandals of the best friend; it created an interesting conflict between masculinity and femininity(not sure if that's what you were going for though). Keep it up! -Abigail Adler
ReplyDeleteReally great poem - it was, to me at least, a dramatic telling of an ordinary story, which is what I think poetry is very often about. It could have been told very causally to a friend as a funny story, but would have sounded very different than this poem did. The feelings and images created a sense of excitement and even comedy, specifically the chihuahua in a lion's den. Really fun to read- great job.
ReplyDeleteI loved how I could see a picture in my head of what was happening. I think you perfectly showed us how big and out of place the car was compared to the speaker and her friend. It made my smile and chuckle as I pictured the descriptive details. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI loved this poem! I enjoyed the vivid images that came to my mind as I shared in the excitement of these two girls speeding along in the truck. One of my favorite lines was when you used the simile "like two chihuahuas in a lion's den". There was one line that I noticed could use some fixing-"this moment was of complete content". Maybe you could use some "show don't tell here". Overall, great job!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this poem! I could see and feel the speaker while reading almost every line!The imagery and feeling that was portrayed in this poem allowed me to feel like a "fly on the wall(or maybe door?)" of the car. I could almost hear the beat of the music and almost felt myself "nodding my head" to the music in the silence of my own room! Great job!!
ReplyDeleteThis poem's humor was a breath of fresh air. You succeeded in conveying how the speaker felt during this thrilling experience. I liked the line "powerful stereo seduce us.". It was relatable and spot on in the way music can draw us in. However, because it was such a full story, it did seem more like prose at times.
ReplyDelete