The ceiling fan. Textbook. Shopping bag.
The Laundry basket. iPad. Rumpled bed.
Searching for the best idea of the bunch,
like picking fruits at the grocery store, except--
most are yellowing or mushy. Rotten.
like picking fruits at the grocery store, except--
most are yellowing or mushy. Rotten.
For a moment, I look up to The window--
it's offer, a browned brick building. Some smoke.
it's offer, a browned brick building. Some smoke.
sirens whine not too far and cars honk impatiently down low.
The clock keeps ticking. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
The clock keeps ticking. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
Tick. Tock. Eyes stuck, staring into space.
Lids droop slowly, beginning to shut down, when--
an albino pigeon, feathers brown and white,
arrives on the 'sill, head twitching back and forth
an albino pigeon, feathers brown and white,
arrives on the 'sill, head twitching back and forth
Tap. tap. tap. TAP. The bird's beak jabs.
it's beady gray eyes squint straight on me
It's mouth opens and closes rapidly.
Is there something wrong with it? Cautious.
It's mouth opens and closes rapidly.
Is there something wrong with it? Cautious.
I suddenly hear "You seenka vuzan loss"
a soft baritone voice. Where is it coming from? What's it saying?
My ears open. The sounds focus. Behind that clear glass--
"You seem confused and lost,
in search of an idea. Can I help?"
I just stare but it continues.
"You seem to be experiencing what I call
"worm hunt". Us pigeons know about it.
It is a game out there, really is.
Only the fittest survive.
Name's "Stanley" by the way.
My suggestion is to put yourself out there.
Take a walk. Look around. Buy a coffee.
Take notes. Get inspired. Keep those eyes open to absorb."
I try to interject. What? How?
Stanley's wing goes up "No. I'm still talking." he says
"There is only way to beat this damn worm hunt.
and that starts by leaving your room. Do things. Engage with people.
This will give you experiences-- positive, negative. Who cares.
Experiences are writing material. It's simply the only way. Are you getting this?"
Eyes go up from my notebook. I've written this down.
My mouth opens and closes rapidly. But nothing comes.
This time, my eyes really open.
The browned brick building. No pigeon.
I can't help but grin. Papers all over my bed.
"You seem to be experiencing what I call
"worm hunt". Us pigeons know about it.
It is a game out there, really is.
Only the fittest survive.
Name's "Stanley" by the way.
My suggestion is to put yourself out there.
Take a walk. Look around. Buy a coffee.
Take notes. Get inspired. Keep those eyes open to absorb."
I try to interject. What? How?
Stanley's wing goes up "No. I'm still talking." he says
"There is only way to beat this damn worm hunt.
and that starts by leaving your room. Do things. Engage with people.
This will give you experiences-- positive, negative. Who cares.
Experiences are writing material. It's simply the only way. Are you getting this?"
Eyes go up from my notebook. I've written this down.
My mouth opens and closes rapidly. But nothing comes.
This time, my eyes really open.
The browned brick building. No pigeon.
I can't help but grin. Papers all over my bed.
I gather them in a pile. Put them in my bag.
A pencil. Camera. Keys go in too.
Shutting the door behind me, I go on a walk.
A pencil. Camera. Keys go in too.
Shutting the door behind me, I go on a walk.
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ReplyDeleteThis poem made me smile! All of us can definitely relate to the content because it captured the struggle of writer's block so well. I especially liked the mirror effect you created between the speaker and the pigeon- "eyes twitching back and forth." I also think you really nailed the descriptive aspect of the assignment, specifically the description of the pigeon- "beady gray eyes squint", "soft baritone voice." The one thing I would consider changing is the rhythm- maybe change up the line breaks? Overall, though, you made a poem about a simple experience so fun to read and I loved it!
ReplyDelete-Abigail Adler
DeleteI like that the poem had a narrative that takes place over a few minutes. The poem makes use of melodic sounds, assonance and alliteration. "Browned brick building" was a specifically good example of alliteration. "A soft baritone voice...clear glass" has a nice sound to it.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if you can trade the "tap tap tap" for a more concrete description. Maybe you can also change "looking everywhere and nowhere" in the first line for something more concrete.
Overall, great poem, and depiction of a concept we all face. Curious whether writer's block might be a more apt term than brainstorm.
I really like this poem - so honest yet imaginative. I really related to it, and totally felt like it could be me in the same place as the narrator. The pigeon part came as a pleasant surprise, and I liked how you turned the end of the poem into the type of story where animals talk. I personally always enjoy poems that sound like prose - this poem had that sound to it, and it was the perfect balance between the two.
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading this poem I felt myself relating to it more and more and by the end I said “yup thats me!” I loved the “tap, tap, tap….tap” it perfectly describes the annoyance and distraction that the bird causes and how prominent each tap is in the speaker's head. it was cool how your brainstorming efforts all of a sudden became your poem! Very creative!!
ReplyDeleteHey there! This poem is just so cute! I loved the visuals and the phrase "tap, tap tap...tap." It is so accurate and so relatable. Also, I love the phrase "looking everywhere and nowhere." This poem made me smile and it was a very enjoyable read! Great job.
ReplyDeleteI like the concept of this poem, but some of the stylistic elements detracted from the message for me. To me this was ultimately a playful poem, but the tone itself seemed too stiff to convey the sweeter, less serious "message". Phrases "the window offers nothing more" are what I mean by stiff. I think you're trying to make it sound "poetic", but it seems forced rather than elegant and perhaps for the lighter tone that this poem seems to be trying to achieve, a more laidback style may work better. The phrase "a laugh lets out of me" also sounds too stiff, especially at the end, where the playfulness finally comes to fruition, this phrasing detracts from the lightheartedness it seems to strive for.
ReplyDeleteHey sis! I enjoyed the beginning of the poem as you successfully described the way it feels to sit down and try to write a poem when nothing creative is coming to you. I think that many of us can relate as beginner poets. I liked how initially the pigeon was introduced as just a bird outside, then suddenly became an important character in the story. I like how you and the pigeon were searching for the same thing. The line- "a soft baritone voice" made me laugh.
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
Hey sis! I enjoyed the beginning of the poem as you successfully described the way it feels to sit down and try to write a poem when nothing creative is coming to you. I think that many of us can relate as beginner poets. I liked how initially the pigeon was introduced as just a bird outside, then suddenly became an important character in the story. I like how you and the pigeon were searching for the same thing. The line- "a soft baritone voice" made me laugh.
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
This poem reminded me of a happy version of Poe's classic melancholy poem, "The Raven," except here instead of scaring the speaker, the bird inspires the speaker.
ReplyDeleteThis has potential to be a delightful little poem, but I think parts need work. Some parts seem too flat and prosy to me, such as these lines: "Looking everywhere and nowhere /
eyes twitch back and forth to search for / something more exciting to write" That's a little flat to me--too much like a prose sentence divided up at arbitrary points.
I like the next stanza (stanza two) better, because it is so much more concrete. It locates me in the poem, and I can see and hear things in the world.
I felt the ending needed work too. It's too easy. It wraps the poem up in a bow and says, tada!
I DO like the idea of the bird speaking and coming to life as a personality, but maybe you should develop this more. Just as soon as you present the idea, you immediately end the poem! I wanted more. Maybe the bird will give some kind of zany lecture. I don't know. Lots of opportunity there, but it felt to me like you just sort of decided to wrap it up and found a fast and easy way to do that. I think you have the talent to end this in a more interesting way.
Some cool stuff here though. Hope this helps.
Also, consider not centering your lines for your poems. For people who read poetry, it comes off as high schoolish. Kids love to center their lines for some reason, but poetry tends to read better when the margins are on the left. This is why all of the poems we've read in class have been that way. Not a big deal, but your poems will look better if you do this.
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