We’ve all had that moment when you are listening to your friend ranting about their ex, or their mom, or their pet even. There’s that look you give them, filled with pity and remorse. You either make a joke to help, offer a story of your own, or rag with them on the victim. But what about finally giving some solid advice for the situation for your friend to actually use? Here are some tips for becoming the best “Dr. Phil” you can be.
For the friend that talks and talks for (what seems to be) forever:
1. Practice “effective listening.”
This is a huge one. Sometimes your friend just wants to be truly heard and validated. This is for the friend that just doesn’t keep their mouth shut. Make sure to let them say everything out loud, only interrupting with phrases like “that’s interesting.” or “that sounds super rough.” Make sure to nod and focus your thoughts only on their words. No phone peeks! Ask them questions about the situation, to show that you in fact are wishing to understand it better. Listening alone can be very therapeutic for this person and can help them come to a solution on their own. They’ll love you for NOT talking over them.
For the friend that hates quotes or anything sentimental:
2. Play up your comical relief side.
This person won’t appreciate a lesson on “enjoying the little things in life” or “thinking positive”. Your friend is looking for either one of two things: a great joke on the situation to make them laugh about it, or some hella’ good advice that they can actually use. Whichever one is your forte’, or the better option for you, go with. Do NOT tell this person that things have a way of working themselves out, or that everything will be okay. They won’t buy it. It’s just not the way they think and those words mean nothing to them. So try to tell them what to do, and save the emotions for another time.
For the friend that feels alone:
3. Reassure reassure reassure.
This person is expressing their vulnerable side to you. Their voice is cracking, they may be tearing, really seeming to be on the brink of losing it. It’s important to be sensitive. Being sensitive includes reassurance and offering easy to follow advice. Again, stay far away from the sentiment and save it for others. Say things like “ I totally understand how you feel” (emphasizing totally) and “I would feel exactly the same way.” (emphasizing exactly). Give them a solid action in going forward. This could be offering a distraction like a movie, or food option. Either way, give them something to hold on to and assure them that how they feel is completely normal.
For your super negative and cynical friend:
4. Show them the bright side!
No, this does not mean throw out your favorite positive quote. Share a story of your own that makes your friend’s situation sound like a piece of cake. But don’t make it a sob story. In this situation, it’s a hilarious unfortunate happening. Here’s an example: Your friend is complaining about a friendship fall out. The other party ignores your friend like she’s the plague and honestly seems to not care one bit. Your story to share: That time you forgot your ID and couldn’t take the SAT in junior year and had to wait 6 months. Or better, that time you missed a college class final by confusing the time slot and waiting 3 summer months to take the makeup to finally end up with a C in the class. Or even better! That time you got adult chicken pox on the eve of your birthday and cancelled all party plans to lay in bed and itch all day. Go crazy with it!
There you go for now! That can definitely cover some of your friends, even the most crazy ones. For all the quote lovers remember this one:
“Do not treat your friend how you want to be treated. Their tastes may be different.”
Now that’s something they don’t tell you in grade school. We always give advice and say what we would want to hear if we were in our friend’s position. But many a times, this advice doesn’t help the friends who are opposite of us. They don’t want what we want! We need to cater to our friends needs and really put ourselves in their position before saying what we want to say. Remember, the conversation is not about you. It’s about your friend and his or her needs.
Best of luck!
