Incident

My hand pours the milk making a pool for her graham colored cereal. I prepare her morning dosage of Adderall, to help with her focus. Suddenly, the spoon shakes and lands on the tile in front of her. Her eyes focus hard on her fruit loops and she jerks slowly first.

“I think shes’s seizing.” I hear myself say.

The others whimper softly. Someone calls 911. She's sunken to the floor and is jerking faster now, her eyes racing. My mind speaks to me “Go get her papers. Keep calm." What do we know about her? Does she have a history for this? The police men ask, looking at me. Then the heat arrives, first in my fore arms. It moves up to my chest and around to the back of my neck. Keep breathing, I tell myself. Grab her pill, shoes, and coat. 

Everything will be ok.

No it won’t.
It’s your fault. 
You couldn’t do one thing.

“Is it okay if you go with her to the ER?” they ask. “Yes. It’s fine. I can handle it.” I say, knowing I can’t. My stomach squeezes,and my brain seems to be floating in it's socket. We’re driving now. Is this real? I got this. No I don’t.

There’s the heat again.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale. 
Exhale.

I feel frozen. The stretcher is behind me. I’m here for her. Wondering if she will be okay, I’m sitting by her wilted body now, alone. I didn’t know her yesterday, and I’m holding her hand. Her pale eyes are glazed, hair is matted sweaty, but she calls my name. “I’m here, I’m here. Your mother is coming. She will be here soon.”I’m calming down. The nurse says she will be fine. All is well, don’t worry now. They said its not your fault. Others finally rush in. “How are you doing?” they ask “I’m fine" I say. I can handle it.” again, knowing I can’t. The heat.“I’m just going to go get some fresh air.” I tell them. “Of course, go.” It’s over. I tell myself. You did everything you needed to do. She comes to me- “Are you okay?” “Yes, I’m fine.” No.
No.

Why am I lying? 

The heat returns. Its surges fast like water. My hair goes up in a pony tail. I am fine. I am fine. So hot, my heart beat runs too. I’m shaking a bit. “Your not okay.” she says. “Yes I am”. No I’m not.

“We need to get some sugar in you. Fast.” My vision slides back and forth along the pendulum. Her voice sounds quiet around me. Fingers twitch.

Count your breaths.
One.
Two. 
Three. 
This heat is a tyrant.

“You did everything right. She’s fine because of you.” Still counting, the heat festers and overtakes. I breathe in. “She’s fine. Why am I like this? All is well. I eat my pretzel M&Ms swished with ginger ale. She’s fine. Concentrate on each chew. Let the candy coats calm. She’s saying words to me. 
I can’t hear them much.

--

A gym filled with young women who share a passion for- a certain sport of purple circle wounds and electric weapons each fencer for herself today- game day. Keep the focus.  2 wins and 6 losses for me so far. I blame my brain, still sliding. “Kerzner. Kerzner. KERZNER.” Finally, I see the ref, angry. “You need to be on deck before hand.” he shakes his head. Plug myself in. Put on my mask. Ale’. Focus on the point control. Circle 6. Circle 8. Her arm is bent. Beat up. Beat Down. I’ll just get her on her extension. BEEP. "Touch right!” smiles the ref. How did that happen?I just had her. Beat her blade at the guard. Angle right. 

The heat prickles my arm.
No. Not now.

It creeps to my neck again. 
Please. I can’t do this.

“5, 1.” End bout.” The heat subsides. 
Messed up again.

The spoon on the floor. 

The stretcher. 
Fingers twitching.

They hit me in waves, smacking me without warning. 
She’s fine now. Better than me.

It happens. 
People get seizures. 
Get over it.

Welcome to life, Rebecca.